Aquarius 水瓶座

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus 有一个在你未来的旅行时，你的舌头冻结到超速车的后面

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day 打捶一个痣17小时每天填补这一空白在你的狗命

   

Pisces 双鱼座

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus 尽量避免任何的处女座还是狮子座与埃博拉病毒

You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say 你是舞蹈的真正的主，不管那些白痴在工作中说

   

Aries 白羊座

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon 你脸上的表情会是无价的，当你发现在你的结肠的40磅西瓜

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep 贸易牙刷与白化侏儒，然后给出一个吻痕来梅丽尔·斯特里普

   

Taurus 金牛座

You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it? 你永远不会找到真正的幸福 - 你要做什么，哭什么呢？

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep 星星预知明天，你会醒来，做了一堆东西，然后回去睡觉

   

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) 这是你的星座预测今日（那是你的星座的今天）

That's your horoscope for today 这是你的星座今天

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) 这是你的星座预测今日（那是你的星座的今天）

That's your horoscope for today 这是你的星座今天

   

Gemini 双子座

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence 你的生日派对会在你爆炸胀气再次毁了

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest 你的爱情生活将会遇到麻烦时，你的未婚夫，通过你的胸部用力投掷标枪

   

Cancer 癌症

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud 木星的位置，说，你应该花了一周的脸休息倒在泥

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test 尽量不要推的胶带了你的鼻子一卷，同时把你的驾驶测试

   

Leo 狮子座

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no 现在不是一个好时机，复印你的屁股和主食它给你的老板的脸，哦，不

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik 吃金枪鱼味布丁桶，然后用一加仑草莓快客洗下来

   

Virgo 处女座

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you 所有处女座的人非常友好，聪明的 - 除了你

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick 当风在一根木棍上用你的头刺穿今天想到一个大大的惊喜

   

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) 这是你的星座预测今日（那是你的星座的今天）

That's your horoscope for today 这是你的星座今天

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) 这是你的星座预测今日（那是你的星座的今天）

That's your horoscope for today 这是你的星座今天

   

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely 现在，你可能会发现它不可思议或至少是有点不太可能

that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have 该行星和恒星的相对位置可以有

a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, 一个特殊的深层意义或意义，专门适用于只有你，

but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions 但让我给你我保证这些预测和预测

are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have 都是基于可靠的科学，书证，所以你必须

to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true. 是某种白痴的没有意识到，他们中的每一个是绝对正确的。

   

Where was I? 我在哪里？

   

Libra 天秤座

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you 大促销是指日可待的人多有才华的你

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week 笑是最好的药，请记住，当你的阑尾下周连发

   

Scorpio 天蝎座

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window 准备好，当你跌倒从开着的窗户尖叫意外之旅

Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak 工作有点困难改善你的自卑，你这个愚蠢的怪胎

   

Sagittarius 射手座

All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them) 所有的朋友都在笑你背后（杀人）

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den 取下欧内斯特·博格宁的你有挂在你的书房所有这些裸照

   

Capricorn 摩羯座

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying 星星说，你是一个令人兴奋和美好的人，但你知道他们在说谎

If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again 如果我是你，我就锁住我的门窗永远永远永远永远永远不会再离开我的房子

   

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) 这是你的星座预测今日（那是你的星座的今天）

That's your horoscope for today 这是你的星座今天

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) 这是你的星座预测今日（那是你的星座的今天）

That's your horoscope for today 这是你的星座今天

   

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) 这是你的星座预测今日（那是你的星座的今天）

That's your horoscope for today 这是你的星座今天

That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay) 这是你的星座预测今日（耶耶耶耶耶）

That's your horoscope for today 这是你的星座今天